Hi everyone, Welcome back to the PIB!

It’s been quite a while since I’ve shared anything on here and truth is, 2023 has been such a wild journey and it is only getting wilder. I’ve been on a hiatus for almost a full year, so I’d like to start with a brief update on where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing!

Since my last update in November of last year, I have spent my time as a junior (at the time) just preparing for my senior year and post-grad life. I spent the better part of last fall working on internship applications and taking a whole lot of credits in hopes of easing my load during senior year. In the spring, I was heartbrokenly rejected from all my internships and so frustrated at how competitive academia has become. However, I am a firm believer in “everything happens for a reason” and I ended up landing my dream internship at home. I shadowed in a psychiatric clinic for 2-3 months back in Riyadh, and the experience that I gained is incomparable to anything I could’ve done in the states. I got firsthand experience on what it looks like to work in the field in my home country, and for that I am forever grateful.

Fast forward to August, I came back earlier than the rest for my *last* Residential Life training 😥 It was my favorite training of the three years, and I really spent that two weeks without classes just absorbing every moment like its my last. We started classes in September, and a month later brings us to now. Almost halfway through my last fall, taking my last class to finish my major and the penultimate class to my minor (+ an additional course to keep me here haha).

Currently, I am applying to three graduate schools in hopes of getting my Masters in Counseling before I continue on to getting my PhD or PsyD in Clinical Psychology. The journey to just decide whether or not I’m applying, let alone what I’m applying for/ where I’m applying, has been tough. After deciding I was going to apply, I was taken back to 2019 when I applied for my Bachelors and was afraid of not getting into the programs I wanted. Did I end up in one of my top choices for programs? no, but I am so happy with where I did end up.

Although I’m happy and so glad I picked Mount Holyoke, I feel like my anxiety-ridden 17 year old self again, who is almost confident she won’t get into the program of her dreams. Except here I am, four years later, with a lot more experience and a lot more eligibility than before. For some reason though, it still doesn’t feel enough. The self-doubt is so bad that I procrastinate so bad just so I could blame my shortcomings on not having tried hard to begin with (aka self-sabotage). The thing with being a Psych major though, is that I am so overly aware of this, yet I still actively do it.

The worst part of this kind of self-doubt is that you NEED to be confident when applying to graduate programs. With academia becoming so competitive, I really cannot find it in me to build up that confidence that I need. It also doesn’t help that I have a bad case of senioritis, and have lost almost all my motivation. I just wish I could skip this whole application process and know where I’m going post-grad, but unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

Another thing I feel like people don’t talk about, is the sheer imposter syndrome you feel as you’re getting ready to depart into “the real world”. When overthinking grad schools, I often find myself thinking of what it would feel like if I did in fact get into one of my programs. Imagining these scenarios usually sends me down another spiral of doubting my ability to thrive in these programs. So in the end I’m left with the dilemma of is it better if I get in or I don’t – I’m damned if I do, I’m damned if don’t. It just all feels so out of reach and impossible.

It sounds sad, and sounds dramatic, but this is genuinely what it feels like. Education has become such an exclusive opportunity, even when in some cases (like mine), it is a necessity to be in the field you want to be in. There was a time when getting an education was a privilege, now it is the bear minimum for employment. It’s like there’s a manual of how to reach the career path you want, and it starts with an education, but the education requires experience and the experience requires an education. It’s literally an endless loop, and you’re caught in the middle trying to decide what you even want to do with your life at this point.

It sounds depressing, but it’s all part of the experience. Who knows where I’ll end up a year from now, but as of right now, I just hope I’m happy and healthy. For now, I am soaking every single moment of senior year with my best friends and a campus that has grown so close to my heart. I love it here, and I’m not ready to say goodbye any time soon.

With love,

Danyah