If you’re reading this you probably already know that I started this blog as a way to unlearn my perfectionist ways, and learn to accept my imperfections. Well, for a very long 20 years I struggled HARD, but alas, we took the very first steps towards accepting my imperfections this semester. I wouldn’t say I’m no longer a perfectionist; however, I will say I’m on the road to becoming a perfectionist in the right ways; the non-exhausting and distressing way.

I always heard the phrase “junior year is kicking my butt” or “just wait till junior year and your gpa will definitely go down”, and let me say – I didn’t truly believe it at first but BOY does it hit you like a ton of bricks. With all the experiences and learning curves I’ve endured my first and sophomore years, nothing could’ve even prepared me for what junior year was gonna look like – in the most surprising and enlightening way possible.

I went into this year already knowing I have a full plate, between taking 19 credits, being Class Board Vice-President, a Resident Advisor, a Psychology Liaison, having a major and minor to fulfill credits for, and honestly just recovering from the monstrosity of a rollercoaster that was last spring. I’m in no way trying to sound conceited or am I bragging about how much I’m doing, I’m just trying to express how I genuinely knew all of this information going into this year, and yet I didn’t know how to prepare. That being said, I went into this year expecting the absolute worst, doubting all my capabilities of handling this workload, expecting the downfall of my mental health and anticipating the anxiety and burnout to be just around the corner lurking and waiting for me. Little did I know, I wasn’t giving myself enough credit.

Yes junior year hit me like a ton of bricks, but I had a shield I had mended out of my experiences and lessons I’ve learned from the past protecting my mind’s health from my workload and from itself. A lot of pressure ensues with being a junior, it’s like everything shifts from being “hard work” to hard as well as a ton of work, and not enough time. You go into junior year typically taking more advanced classes, being heavily involved in extracurriculars and jobs, in addition to preparing and applying for things in the summer and sometimes even post-grad. I have a lot of work due all the time, there are quite literally no breaks! And when you get that one day where you don’t really technically have to do work; you start doubting yourself and believing you missed a deadline.

During junior year, when you have time you breathe – it feels genuinely wrong and unsettling.

But again, I surprised myself this year. I have not fallen behind (yet), I have not driven myself down a hole of self-doubt, haven’t experienced imposter-syndrome, I don’t overthink every single thing, I haven’t had to choose between my mind and my work, and that is the beauty in discovering your boundaries and thresholds through experiences. That’s growth. I learned to let go of my perfectionism when it gets in the way of being productive and I sense it dragging my spirits down. Yes I only learned to let go because I simply don’t have enough time to dwell over everything, but this has enabled me to see that the world doesn’t end and people don’t think less of you when you don’t function perfectly. People don’t judge you for being human.

Here’s a picture of myself with a ceramic brain I made for my sculpture class and the finished result of my take on “food for thought” through sculpture. You can see I’m laughing and having a good time making a brain out of clay (as any psychology major would be), but what you can’t see is that my brain was falling apart, my roses kept breaking, and my mug handle isn’t attached symmetrically. Yet, this is the project I willfully submitted and was proud of, without any doubts or any overthinking or beating myself up about it. And not surprisingly, the imperfections are what stood out the most in the project and what the professor loved and called “poetic”. So take this experience, and if you’re a perfectionist like I am, let it be known to your mind that yes you have imperfections, some visible and some not visible, but in any case people see through these imperfections. You are not known for your imperfections, you are seen as so much more than that, and sometimes your imperfections are what people love the most about you.

So yeah, that’s me. Everyday is a battle, everyday I wake up and I immediately want to go back to bed, but everyday is a battle I chose to wake up and conquer – and yes my axe is imperfect, but I’m still winning. Everyday I learn more, grow more, and let go more.